Mr. Mom

I have to keep writing. I know, I just posted a few hours ago, but it doesn't stop there and I just have to keep writing. Here's my night:

My wife went to work. Mind you, she's only been gone for 4 hours. In the time that she's been away,

--the Spiderman fiasco. See the previous post.

--my son spilled his milk. This was called to my attention by my daughter who yelled,"Dad, Alex spilled his milk!" I came in to see her pointing at the milk dripping down the side of the table. So I said, "Well, don't just stand there and look at it. Grab a paper towel and wipe it up!" So she does. Spilling her own milk in the process.

--I turned on the dishwasher and ten minutes later there was a river across the kitchen floor. I turned off the dishwasher, wiped up the water, opened the door, closed it more firmly, latched it, and turned it on. Ten minutes later, there was a river across the kitchen floor. Our dishwasher is dead.

--my son peed on the living room floor. He said he didn't have time to get to the bathroom. He said this while rooting through his Star Wars action figures collection which, apparently, he had plenty of time to get to. A man's gotta have his priotities.

--the phone died.

--ten minutes before bed, Alex says, "I have to do my homework." I say, "What is your homework?" He doesn't know. I don't know. He's going to throw a fit unless he does it. My wife knows. I need to call her. See the previous bullet point.

--I call upstairs "Alex, come down here please." He answers, "Dad, don't come up here." I say, "Why not?" He repeats, "Don't come up....uh oh. Um...you'd better come up here." When I get there, I find the entire bathroom floor covered in water. And, like Bill Cosby, I am compelled to ask, "What are you doing?" And my son sensibly answers, "I was washing the toothpaste off my foot." Of course he was. How silly of me to even ask.

I swear that this is all true, no exaggerations whatsoever. You couldn't make this stuff up if you tried.